January–February 2012 (Red Chief, age 5, and Tiger Lily, age 2)
Red Chief: "What would happen if you ate a whole block of cheese?"
Me: "You would probably get sick."
Red Chief: "Yeah, you might die! Let's try it on Tiger Lily. It would be a human experiment."
Red Chief and Tiger Lily went treasure hunting in the couches. They enlarged the hole in the old couch to the entire length of the front, and Red Chief was about to send Tiger Lily in with a rope when I caught them.
Red Chief: "Mom, are caterpillars a good source of protein?"
Red Chief: "Volcanoes are 81% hot."
Red Chief: "Tiger Lily, if you can simply be good for eighteen weeks, you can have my slippers."
Tiger Lily wants to feed carrots to her snowmen.
Red Chief: "Mom, does Tiger Lily have everything a princess needs?"
This morning: two two-year-olds and a case of wipes, all opened up and stuffed into the bottom drawer.
Red Chief: "I like you, Mom. Now will you make breakfast?"
Mr. Mordecai: "Can you ask nicer?"
Red Chief: "Uh . . . Dad, will you make breakfast?"
Red Chief's lunch today: pepperoni, cheese, and pickle relish on rye. He ate it all.
Tiger Lily: "Dead chicken is my favorite color. Did you know dead chicken is pink?"
Red Chief: "What would happen if you ate some masking tape?"
Me: "You would probably get a tummyache."
Red Chief: "Or you might get tapeworms."
Red Chief: "Mom, you put a scratch on me. We might have to get divorced."
Red Chief: "Mommy, did you know I like boxed, warmed-up food?"
Me: "What did you learn about in kindergarten last week, Red Chief?"
Red Chief: "Gravitational pull."
Red Chief: "Mom, you know what? People—moms and dads—probably decided to stop having consequences now. They changed the rules."
Red Chief is giving his teacher an Asian pear tomorrow. I guess we've moved on from apples.
The song Tiger Lily sang this morning, over and over: "Red Chief is a naughty man, Red Chief is a naughty man."
Today's lunch creation by Red Chief: Capers and mayo on whole wheat.
Red Chief: "My nozzle is clogged!"
Red Chief: "You're such a naughty mom!"
Tiger Lily: "Then she has to be in jail!"
Red Chief: "Tiger Lily, go put Mommy in jail."
Tiger Lily: "Mommy, I don't want you to be shut in jail. Not you."
Red Chief: "Did you know when someone dies on their birthday, they're giving birth to someone else?" (Not sure where he got that idea!)